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Sad Life...


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#1 nera323

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 09:01 PM

I have wrote long time ago on this board... and my best friend has cancer...
i have very fear about to lost her... she is the most important person for me... i have so long ago to search for her..and i cant speak about this feelings that goes up and down with my heart.
she is very young only 19 years... but a fighter in her heart...
i hope the best for her but i have sooo much fear.. i dont know of anybody understand me... but i must this feelings from my soul...
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#2 Greenbean

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 02:22 AM

[quote name='nera323' timestamp='1326834107' post='475698']

i hope the best for her but i have sooo much fear.. i dont know of anybody understand me... but i must this feelings from my soul...
[/quote]

Hi, Nera
Yes, it's me who understands what You are talking about.
My first husband unexpectably died beein 27years old. I was 25. It was brain cancer, growing for minimum 6 years ahead, with no signs at all. The same day the forst one shown up, I've got a message from neurologists: no way, he's gonna die within a couple of weeks.
We've been married for just two years, just starded up to conquer the world, still arranging our place to live, full of happines, a joy of life, optimism .. Planning to get a baby, and trying to finalise this project ... So I felt like a train, just started, moving faster and faster - and suddenly meeting a solid, yet unvisible mountain.
Am I right You feel something of that kind?
I think so, especially that she is so young.. I do hope that this fighter will win - nowadays medicine and a strong, really strong will to fight may together cure her, still there are chances for that. Don't let her to give up!
I do wish You to avoid the worst. But - well, it's life.. My message to You is: help also YOURSELF by expressing Your feelings. It's good, very good, that You are here, Really. We don't have a power TO DO NOT FEEL something, but We may REACT on different way: I say - don't try to fight with Your feeleigs - but let them manifest themselves, as much as possible - dont kill yourself. SHE needs You! It's really good You DO that already.
I can tell You what happen, if You don't - as I did.
I became a machine THIS day, just like completely frozen inside. Was walking, doing everything and more - but it was like my capability to feel just expired.
2 months after this black day Robert died, without any single moment of being concious.
But it's not the end of my story. I became such a walking machine for the next 6 months. And than my subconcious self-helping mechanisms (as I was told) just collaps, and I've got a terrible depression - as reaction, half-year delayed reation on this message "he-is-gonna-to-die-very-soon".
I was siting all day long at my arm-chair, doing nothing. I've stop to work, talk, eat, sleep, wash myself, changing clothes.. reading nothing, no tv, music - simply zombie. The world around me dissapear.
But - I did not dissapear for a group of my friends. I've got an evidence, that nobody is an island.. Thanks to their actions - by force, but still - I was taken like a parcel outside, to meet - in that abnormal time - a new live-time friend - psychiatrist, one of those warm, wise,"bears" - big, fat, fantastic person. It was him, who explained me what has happend with my feelings: THIS message has been recognised somewhere indside me as too much shocking, and a "firewall" agains it appeared. The "soft" part of me has got a status "out of order" - just to be protected. That was the reason I could not cry...
Well - step by step I was back. But it was a long procedure. I was told - instead of collecting this stress, You shoud force them to go outside, It's too big pressure growing otherwise, ready to kill You. Keep LETING THEM GO OUT, any form is good. Even train has a security mechanisms - to let an overheated, high-pressure steam to spread around and dissolve...
Later on, I've learn to do not avoid touchy memories,"our" places etc. - my beary doc instructed me to think about Robert like about a fantastic book, that You love. Well, You already know the story inside. Well, it's over, but it's also impossible to be forgotten - It's now a part of You. You can't read it again like a new one - the first time is the last at the same time.. But You may keep it on the shelf nearby, have a look at it from time to time, and smile.. It's still alive.
So, Nera, support Your lady-fighter, as much a possible, give her a good reason to live every day - and Your story stll may have a happy-end. I do wish You and Her it's coming soon.
Beata
(Sorry for my bad English - I was active here for some years, but did not use English in an active way for a looong, too long time. I do hope it's still understandable...)

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#3 nera323

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 07:28 PM

thank your for your words...
yes i do the best for her..
and its sad to hear your story...
but i hate that that god that... its hard but i life with that, and she comes this year in the summer for a week or two... but i know shes ill, and we speak nothing about them... that she have cancer, she know that i knew it.. and we dont speak.. i am sad and angry... and its to much in this crazy time... of my life -.-
my bf said... time is nothing when you love her... but time is all what i wish every day...
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#4 swooninggrany

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Posted 21 January 2012 - 11:55 PM

NERA YOU ARE HURTING SO DEEPLY , HAVING TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONS YOU NEVER HAD TO DEAL WITH BEFORE, PLEASE READ AND REREAD BEATAS POST AS BEATA SAID, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR YOUR LOVE ONE'S SAKE, SHE NEEDS YOU, HOW CAN YOU HELP HER IF YOU CRASH?? JUST THE WORD 'CANCER' IS SCARY. WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER HAD CANCER I HAD SO MANY EMOTIONS I NEVER KNEW WERE IN ME, THE ANGER, ALL THE WHYS??? HOW CAN THAT HAPPEN TO SOMEONE WHO ALWAYS DONE FOR OTHERS, ALWAYS MAKING PEOPLE FEEL GOOD WITH HER HUMOR AND GREAT OUTLOOK ON LIFE?? WHY?? SHE LIVED ON THE EAST COAST, I ON THE WEST COAST, THE FIRST TIME WE TALKED ON THE PHONE AFTER FINDING OUT SHE HAD CACER WE CRIED AND CRIED. BUT AFTER THAT WE CARRIED ON AS WE ALWAYS DID. AS SHE WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY. NERA, MY SISTER FOUND OUT SHE HAD CANCER, HER HUSBAND SAID, WHY YOU??MY SISTER SAID, " WHY NOT ME". SHE HAS BEEN IN HEAVEN FOR 23 YEARS. WARM THOUGHTS YOUR WAY.
HUGE HUGS, LORETTA SMILING AT YOU.
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#5 nera323

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Posted 22 January 2012 - 01:51 AM

i read the posts and all what i do is cry...
my friend is going and make all therapys but... its make me sad... and i cried...and she dont cry.... shes a wonderful warm person and she lived her life with such a feeling of this one life...
and i think why...and why.. have god not enough from my life... all the people that i loved.
I cry still and sadley when i am alone... my friend lives in a another side of austria until 3 hours from me.
she had so many wishes to be good aunt for my childs.. when i have it someday...
to come to my wedding some day.. and she had some crazy ideas and wishes...
but i think every day.. when shes gone what is there... nothing i lost a another person... and i cry ...
i took a mask when shes called me.. and tells me about something and we laugh...

thank you for our words..
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MICHAEL I HOPE I SEE YOU IN THE NEXT YEAR LIVE

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